Lookin' out for me? - OR - Has it in for me? You be the judge.

No. I'll be the judge. Me thinks the big guy high in the sky has it out for me. I should lobby to get the DA to charge God with attempted manslaughter. I wish Nancy Grace would present my case, but here, I'll try my best. Now back to the courtroom (picture vintage side-eye from Nancy Grace from Closing Argument days).

Exhibit A.

The other morning I was in a cab. This car came barreling from behind and crashed into that wall. That's basically the view from my cab window. I was the first on the scene. I called 911. The driver - I don't know if he was drunk or not because I was in a hurry and couldn't stick around - was pulled from the fiery vehicle; a bloody mess, but alive. There was also this woman running around like a chicken with her head cut off screaming inscrutable end-of-the-world shit. She was stumbling around, howling at the proverbial moon. She wasn't in the car with him and I have no idea where she came from. Bizarre, but I think it was a completely separate incident. Watching her made me dizzy. Listening to her made me mad. I needed to silence her so that I could talk to the dispatcher. I should have slapped her and said, "Hey lady, I'm on the phone. STFU!" Everyone there should have lined up and taken their turn at slapping her like that scene in Airplane. I would have rather liked that. Anyway, after we left the scene my cab driver said, "You really done good mister. You done a really good job there." I looked directly into his eyes - well, in his rear view mirror - and solemnly nodded, thank you. The entire scene was definitely apocalyptic, and at that point I had a sinking suspicion the accident was more of a message. I was almost hit. No joke. Quite possibly paranoia, but wait there's more.

Exhibit B.

The other afternoon walking from the train down my street I stumbled into bedlam directly in front of my apartment. Barricading cop cars, bystanders abound, and then there was Barracuda, my downstairs neighbor, sitting on the stoop. It looked like he just woke from a long winter's nap. Like anyone would do, I asked him what happened. As he so eloquently put it, "I dunno." Gee thanks! The cops then said a tree branch fell. Well. I gathered that, but the devil is in the details. What REALLY happened? Was it struck by lightning? Was anybody hurt? Did the the tree leave a note saying who the fallen branch was really intended for? I had my suspicions and needed answers. This picture was taken from my fire escape directly in front of my bedroom window. Man. I parked my car in that very spot a 100 times until I sold it days before this incident.

Exhibit C.

After walking my dog past that very spot - right there by that very pole - not 30 seconds later this crash took place.  Again, I was the first on the scene. Granted this happened a little while back, but enough said. You can't help but be a doom and gloomer here. Ya just can't. Per Nancy, life is not all Lemon Pledge and roses! And I think she's right! I'm looking over my shoulder from here on out. I'll tell you that much. *crash bang boom slamma jamma*