Holy Toledo

If God is my co-pilot and I let Jesus take the wheel, where the hell am I headed?

Em Bare Ass Ing

Who put the ass in embarrass?

Me does!

I was thinking about a recent embarrassing moment that just made me chuckle. A few weeks back I took my first trip to Vegas. I will never go back, but that's a-whole-nother story. I went to check my bag - a leather duffel - not very big at all. The woman asked me - actually almost insisted that I carry it on. I didn't properly prepare for my fight, and knew my products would preclude me from bringing the bag on the plane. The conversation went like this:

Attendant: You will be carrying that bag on, right?

Me: No. I need to check it.

Attendant: Why?

Me: (hesitates) Products.

Attendant: What kind of products?

Me: FOOT CREAM and HAIRSPRAY

As soon as those words came flying out of my mouth, I looked around. There were many nearby fellow travelers who seemed to be listening to my conversation. And laughing. Obviously not with me, right? Foot cream and hairspray? Who says that? More importantly, what guy travels with large quantities of foot cream and hairspray? I did/do, and it wasn't for athlete's foot or anything like that. It was a big tube of peppermint foot cream. Why do I even own that? More importantly, couldn't I have thought of something much better or more interesting to say? Darn it. I was caught off guard and answered honestly. Come to think of it, I could have spent the $15 it cost to check the bag ($30 round trip) on new foot cream and hairspray. Geez Louise! Stupes I tell ya. The whole lot of it.

Purple People Eater

Recently I saw this big purple woman. Hold on a sec. Please let me clarify. She was a very large woman wearing a big purple dress. As she was laying food out on a buffet table, this other lady told her she looked gorgeous. I thought, well, she looked like she may gorge on us, but gorgeous? I dunno. Is that mean? I'm sorry. I think it’s sort of funny. I love to make fun, but I don’t enjoy hurting feelings so to protect the innocent names should be changed. Hmmm. Let's call her Grimace. 

(Image courtesy of Matt.  Good stuff.)

David Carradine's Forensic Pathologist's First Name:

Pornthip

The Homeless Hoodie

I must give credit where credit is due. Today I saw a homeless person - I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman - snoozin in the subway station. Normally the light, the traffic, the noise might bother someone, but not this person. S/he had a hoodie on; a zipper hoodie on backwards with the hood up. Genius. Bet your bottom dollar I'll be investing in a new one. You never know when you might find yourself curbside in need of a nap. Ya just don't.

(He, she, it. He, she, it. When I was a kid I would say that really fast so it sounded like "he shit." My p-rens would shoot me a look, and I'd say, "Whaaa? I'm practicing reciting my pronouns." I know. Stupes.)

I smell sequel

I thought of the perfect follow-up to Planes, Trains and Automobiles. About time right?

Escalators, Elevators and Stairs

I know. Spectacular! I'm eating theater candy right now and dying of laughter just thinking about all the potential plot intricacies. I mean think about it. Blows ma mind. Who's on board to make a ton a cash? John Candy can't stop us. Nothing will stop us! Except for maybe a dead end stairwell or two. *squeals in delight*

Beep Beep

Anyone remember the show Real People? This pic reminds me of something you would send in for Sarah Purcell to say something witty about and display it on-air. Damn! Too little too late. This definitely would have earned me a Real People t-shirt. Anyway, this afternoon I was driving over the Manhattan Bridge from Brooklyn into Manhattan. This is what you see immediately when you arrive in Chinatown. I took this with my phone while driving. I only noticed the funny part when I later looked at the pic. The sign in the back. Do you think this is Jessica's newest gig? Hardee har har. So funny you forgot to laugh.

(That's a pretty good snap for being behind the wheel of a moving car, huh? Although I better be careful because we can see right here what could happen.)

If you see something, say something.

Yesterday I saw something that made me think of something so now I'm going to say something. I saw this blind man cruising - i mean CRUISING - down an overcrowded NY street. He had his walking stick out, swinging it from side to side, and people - as if a match were lit beneath their feet - were kicking up their heels and jumping out of the way. I watched his path emblaze as he essentially speed walked on by. I thought, if I was going that way and needed to get there fast, I would have jumped in the path right behind him and ridden his coattails. This manner would be similar in which a driver pulls behind an ambulance immediately as it passes so he can drive fast directly behind it. C'mon. Don't look at me like that. All you drivers do it. And now this walking thing. Brilliant. That stick (and the reaction to it) also reminds me of the tide on the edge of the beach creeping up, and people - walking with shoes on they don't want to get wet - jump and run as a wave rolls in. Sort of. Right?

(I also saw Amy Sedaris trail blazing yesterday. Not kidding, she raced by like wildfire chatting incessantly with her friend. I honestly thought about getting behind her and following her, but for a different reason. I love her. And I wanted to see where she was going. I thought better of it and just basked in her afterglow.

Also weird...this is a picture of a walking stick and I started watching Pan's Labyrinth last night. That fairy thing is a walking stick, right? I only got 15 minutes in before I fell asleep. Will watch tonight. We also used to catch walking sticks in Wisconsin as a kid. FYI.)

Dear Dickheads,

Do you think the old ladies in the apartment buildings above want to listen to your crap music blaring from your shit-ass car stereos before ten in the mornin? Hell-to-the-muthertruking-NO! Turn that shit down. Thank you please!

Signed,

Annony Muss

Double Take

I walked past this bar on 45th street. The sign said Pub and Restaurant. I honestly thought it said Pube. Pube and Restaurant. I realize this is not that funny, but I guess that's how my mind works. Is that wrong? And if you really think about it, I'm sure we've all had our fair share of pubes in our restaurant served food. Really. Think about it.

(Look closely. Do you see what I see? Yep. That's it. Pub food.)

Nothing says I love you more than a pair of really large nuts.

Just kidding, but oh man, I saw an old guy the other day walking down the street with elephantitis of the nuts. Wouch! Talk about big cajones. This guy could barely walk. I'm sure it hurts (not to mention the sting in the wallet for the cost of custom pantalones). It was actually a bit sad, but thought it was also worth mentioning. *chants to self: please don't let it happen to me, please don't let it happen to me, please don't let it happen to me*

(Sick. I was eating tofu in a salad when I was searching for this pic. Believe you me, there are others way more disgusting. Something connected the two and made me really sick. Tofu-itis: when you picture whatever teste innards might be made of while eatin' tofu. SUCIO!)