Messiah Coming!

This guy in the subway station kept yellin, "Mess-iii-ah coming! Mess-iii-ah coming!"  I took one look at him and thought to myself, "You shore do look like a mess, but I cain't tell if you're a comin or a goin."

I know. Stupes.

Fartha Pooart is back...and cooking!

If you read my blog, then you know what Fartha Pooart is. If you don't, then why start now? Just kidding. This will give you some background. This too.

Anyway, you might think I'm white trash, and for those of you that really know me, you're right on the money. I can give your nearest trash can a run for it's money...with my potty mouth alone. And it's not about where I come from, but where I want to go! I mean, I'm the self proclaimed Martha Stuart of the sewer sect. If that's not a nice trashy niche, I don't know what is.

So here's my first Fartha Pooart recipe. Pretzel dip. I don't know if it already exists or not, but I promise you I came up with this all by meself. One day I had plain 'ol pretzels and since I really like Combos I thought, "I really need something to dip these plain 'ol pretzels into that will make them taste like Combos. What do I have?" Here's the recipe:

One part peanut butter
One part mustard (I really like the word mustard:  must turd.)
Mix

That's all folks. Dip away. I've tried it with different peanut butters and different mustards and it's all pretty dang good, but my fave is French's yellow mustard wif Smart Balance creamy peanut butter. You can go heavy on the peanut butter or heavy on the mustard. Basically season to taste. You decide. Since it's looks like baby diarrhea, let's call it diaper dip.  You're welcoooome!

I Declare Question Marks Obsolete!

I've been thinking, do we really need question marks to know when a sentence is a question. And worse, do Spanish languages really need two; one a the beginning AND one at the end of every question. Does anyone else ever think about this. Can you not tell that this sentence is a question without that particular piece of punctuation. Are these dumb questions. Are these even questions without question marks. Will I never get answers to these questions because they are not punctuated properly. Are you stupid. Are you at least annoyed. Do you even care. Do you think I'm pretty. Are you okay. Are you even reading this. What are you doing later. How come you won't call me back. Does this post need to end. Should I stop now.

Anway, I declare question marks obsolete! Exclamation points on the other hand, they are a necessity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Image from here . Not sure what this site is.)

The Sea Word

In anticipation of a possible Arrested Development movie, I decided to watch the entire series. Again. The second time around you catch so many more jokes and it's just that much better. For instance, the title of this post is the name of a boat GOB (pronounced Jobe, pictured with dove) wanted to buy. Subtle has never been so sexy. And this is a sea word I can really get down with!

(Watch some here.)

My Pheart must go on!

Again, the P is silent.

What is wrong with people?

Last night I ate dinner with my really good friend Ruth and she gave me her new business card. Her title is Associate. I first told her that she put the ass in associate. Hardy har har. So funny you forgot to laugh. I know. I've used that joke a hundred too many times with any word that begins with ass. So sue me. Then go fuck yourself. Just kidding. Please don't sue me.

Then I got to thinking. I became highly offended. Flabbergasted in fact. This is an abomination! That is really an offensive title. Let me break it down fer ya. Associate. Sound it out, stupid. Ass-o-she-ate. Poor "I'm-not-going-to-take-this-lying-down" Ruth for having to accept this crap from her place of employment. Whores deserve respect! Also, depending on your preferred pronunciation, it can be ass-o-shit, which quite frankly makes me just as sick. Aren't people disgusting? Now, I ain't no law-er or anything (calling Star Jones, calling Gloria Allred, CALLING NANCY GRACE), but I think Ruth may have a lawsuit on her hands. I don't know about you but I'm seein dolla $ign$. Show me the money!

(I know this image doesn't exactly make sense, but isn't it adorable? And what does that mean? Two girls one cup. Either way, I'd like to get in on some of that cup action. Looks fun. Yeah...until you blow chunks of course. Yuck. I hate blowin chunks. Of all the things you can blow, chunks are the worst! Ho Chunks, on the other hand, they're my favorite Indian. Obviously just cuz of the name. I don't really care about Indians so much.)