1 Guy, 12 Cups = $24 Savings

Before you read any further, I would like for you to know that I am available for hire to speak at colleges, write business plans or simply give general, sound financial advice. For real, you're going to think I'm some sort of fiscal wizard (a fis-wiz) after reading this shit.

Recently I found myself spending as much as $4 on a single cup of iced coffee (or latte) each day. The average cost I will say was $2. So, I decided I needed to start saving money by making my own iced coffee at home, complete with coffee ice cubes. I know. I know. Genius. But wait, it gets better. I brew a pot of coffee every night. 12 cups. I let it cool, transfer it to a nice pitcher to place in the refrigerator, and then I awake in the morning to a wonderful cup of home brewed, freshly chilled iced koffie (a shoutout to my friends living in Dutchland). For a while there I had even been stashing plastic cups, tops, and straws so that I was able to satisfy that coffee-to-go experience. Still, hold that praise of brilliance, it gets even better yet.

I got to thinking if I'm saving at least $2 a day on my iced coffee then I should be drinking more, therefore saving more. Yep. I worked my way up to drinking the entire 12 cup pot in a single day. Now, not only was I saving $2, but it was like I was making 22 more dollars each day just by drinking coffee. (That's what it would have cost me, right?) According to my calculations I was saving/making a whopping 168 extra dollars each and every week. What a great way to supplement your income during these tough economic times - not to mention spend a productive day very much awake. Suze Orman watch out. There's a new financial genius in town, and he's wearing new jeans, taking lavish vacations, and showering friends and family with expensive gifts all simply by drinking coffee. Top that, you penny-marshall pinching lesbo. It's on!

(Kidding. I was just thinking about that episode of Three's Company where Chrissy kept buying birdseed because it was on sale, and she believed she was saving money. The more she bought, the more she made. So she thought. Anyone remember that? Makes sense to me.)

Peeking Fuck

I'm not prejudice, racist or insensitive. Okay, maybe I'm a little bit insensitive, but I'm also observant. Very observant. I observe things and I report them. It's common knowledge that Asian people sometimes misspell items in their menus or on their signage. We've all seen it. Right? I'm not saying anything terrible here. Am I? Some of my best friends are Asian. Did you know that? Anyway, I didn't know what to expect at this fine looking establishment so I decided to go in and check it out for myself. I went in for what I thought was going to be a back rub (by a girl named Trina perhaps), but came out fully satiated and wreaking of tuna. You see, it wasn't a massage parlor at all, but it was a restaurant serving two specialties. Tuna and back ribs - baby style. The sign clearly says so. Er. Maybe not so clearly, but it still says so.

I must go back to get a better snapshot.

Assteroids

I'm a sucker for a good ad, and I personally think this is advertising at it's very best. See? Someone even tried to snatch it it's so first-class. Okay. Okay. You got me. It was me. I got busted trying to swipe it on my way to the Post Office the other morning. I sassed the officer explaining I wasn't prepared with pen and paper and desperately needed this clinic. He threw shade back and said this wasn't a mobile clinic but simply an ad for one, and advised me to pull up my pants and scat. He added, "pen and paper, phooey, what you really need are Tucks and Preparation H." Just joshin. Like the fuzz would really say phooey. What I really thought was this oversized print would have looked fabulous on my exposed brick wall, not my exposed buttock. I can appreciate art.

Although the dangling billboard was flapping in the wind, I just couldn't capture a good snapshot of the entire message, and frankly was a wee bit embarrassed while taking the pic.  Let me break it down.

It says:
GOT HEMORRHOIDS?
SAY NO TO SURGERY
Contact the Proctology clinic
(however, no contact info)

Now that I have fully assimilated the message, I think all they did was filch and fuse two highly celebrated campaigns of the last couple decades: Got Milk? and Say No To Drugs! Perhaps this ad can be considered some sort of PSA (Please Service your Ass) in it's own right. Maybe they should try to attract top-name talent to pose bent over pantless displaying some sort of mustachioed browneye. Wouldn't that be brilliant? Any which way, I love it!

I really thought the graphic was a nice touch too, but I think they didn't quite achieve their ultimate goal. I know the O in proctology is supposed to represent a bumm (British slang for butt), but to me it looks like a Georgia peach. The ad sort of implies to say no to surgery and they'll shove velvety fruits up your arse (British slang for ass) to take care of your piles (British slang for hemorrhoids). Again, I just love it.

(For anyone who would like to see the ad full monty, you can check it out on Bedford just south of President in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. While supplies last, so hurry. Don't walk, run!)

For 9/11

In Celebration of 9/9/09

99¢ Wettins at 99¢ stores.  Only in LA.  I hope.

(As reported by Good Day LA.)

Martha Pimptom

While searching for the "Full of Grace" clip from John Water's Pecker (the movie, pervs) to use in the previous post I also found this clip. It's a great scene, and she's totally pimpin it here - not to mention her hair is pretty pimp too. We really need to see more Martha Plimpton. (I Shot Andy Warhol is another fave she's in.) And we definitely need more John Waters, but I heard he was only doing two more films. Sads. I hope he goes out with a bang, and knowing him it will be of the gang persuasion. I saw Mr. Waters in Times Square not too long ago. He was dressed head to toe, no, ankle...he was dressed head to ankle in black. Covering his toes, hot pink slip-on sneaks. His hair - on his head and above his lip - slicked. Truly iconic.

Cherubs and the Whole Shebang

She bangs. She bangs. I think I know what that means. Quick question though, what's Cher rubbing? Cher rubs. Cher rubs.

(Please, no offense, but I don't know what in naked-lady-terrorist-hell that image is, but I found it while searching "Cher rubs."  It also could be another religion's version of the Virgin Mary. "Full of grace! Full of grace!" )

Um, Excuse Me Miss

Your ma'amburger smells like tuna! Oh yeah, and your purrrse is waaay cute too.

mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys

Strippers on the other hand, go for it. Better cash. Bigger perks. Lindsay played one on screen, but Demi did it first - not to mention Anna Nicole lived it. So I'm for damn sure Billy Ray bought this doll for his daughters - Miley and Noah. Whaaa? They're "artists" and need draw inspiration from something. Right? Lastly, I saw the first episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians a while back, and one of the young Jenner girls really knows how to work a pole too. Plenty of time to git this doll for your impressionable young daughters for X-mas, but I highly doubt supplies will last. Ho Ho Ho.

(As reported on Good Day LA.)

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach

To tell you the truth, for me, that particular passageway seems to be more like the way through some sort of mechanism for what appears to be a method for drowning kittens. I'm just sayin. Not sure if you can get to my heart through my stomach yet, but I'll let you know if it ever happens.

Back to the subject at hand. The devine Ms. Maxine Fortenberry, one of my favorite characters on TV at the moment (next to Peggy, whom I love to hate), was at it again and has concocted a truly tasty looking casserole creation for her ungrateful bastard of a son, Hoyt on True Blood.

I grew up in the Midwest during the 80's and was a casserole baby. Now I'm thinking my mom must not have truly loved us because she never made this one. If a mother loved her children, like Maxine does, she would make this casserole. Want my heart (not Maryann style served in a hunter's souffle, argh)? Make this for me! Although, I bet I'll really have to drown the kittens after eating this one.

(I don't think you can see here but she douses the entire dish with green hot sauce. She was a little upset with herself that she didn't freeze the Snickers, but she was cra-zay biz-zay that day. Please please please don't judge her. We all make mistakes and cut corners sometimes.)

It's Hot in the Hot Tub!

Really? No shit Sherlock. There's a WAR ON WILDFIRE that is actually PRODUCING IT'S OWN WEATHER SYSTEM directly in your backyard. Hmm, says the fire cheif. I wonder if we have everything we need in order to get this raging lunatic of a fire under control? 12,000 people evacuated. Check. 265 Engines. Check. 2800 fire fighters. Check. 12 helicopters. (TWELVE!) Check. One Hot tub containing two dildos. WTF? Two people who ignored mandatory orders to evacuate The Station Fire while trying to ride it out in their hot tub were badly burned and had to be air lifted out. That was a really good use for the helicopter. Huh? Ya know, I may have empathy (or maybe it's telepathy) for the dumb, but I certainly have no sympathy. Can these a-holes be charged with anything other than first degree dumbfuckery? I truly hope so.

(I bet these dipshits were trying to fight fire with fire. Fools! Look at her all smug in her Dutch oven or tub or whatever that is.)